Navigational Skills

I have been feeling a little lost of late. It being the season of new beginnings and all, I have been feeling like I should be getting on with something. But with life being what it is, I find myself in a state of limbo for the time being. With my surgery a couple of weeks away and not being able to get babies over and done with for at least another year (assuming of course that my surgery goes well), I am unable to commit to either expanding my business or going to work for someone else. Both of which I’d have to do full-time to make them financially worthwhile but anything full-time just isn’t possible right now because financially it just doesn’t work out with F needing care. So I’m looking at another few years of not being able to do anything big be it babies, house stuff or even a decent holiday.

All of this was making me feel stuck and a bit crap.

With big things being so unfeasible I thought maybe the antidote to feeling stuck would be to focus my energy on little things. I do occasionally have visions of a perfectly scrubbed house and the satisfaction I feel when all the things are clean but life’s too short for never-ending housework.

So I thought this year, as a start, as a way of feeling like I am doing something productive and as part of my ongoing goal to consume and spend less, that I’d try and make all of my own clothes instead of buying them. This also fits in with my goal of clearing out my wardrobe because as if I am going to have time make enough clothes to fill it up again.

In progress right now is a merino, alpaca and silk blend hand knit cardigan. Part of my plan to wear more nice woolly things in winter around the house rather than ugly as f* tracksuits. Which may result in me actually feeling better about myself and able to leave the house without having to get changed. Win!

And next up is a pinafore dress from this book made with some coral metallic stripe material that was my Nanna’s, I think it’s a poly/cotton blend. Oh there’s a whole list of garments planned, I won’t go through them all.

It had occurred to me that perhaps I am seeking solace in doing and keeping busy rather than doing some kind of work with my feelings because that was the trap I fell into before. But then I realised that I am actually working with my feelings. I am managing to find joy and satisfaction in a simple day even if I have done no more than a load of washing and made a loaf of bread. Making my own clothes is simply something else that makes me happy and I find incredibly satisfying. It makes me feel good.

I must remind myself that it is these things that are enough for me. Not should be enough. But are enough. Because occasionally I do get caught up in thinking that I should be achieving the big things. The world is my oyster, I can do anything! Especially when I have so many talented friends, especially childless, female friends, who are getting on with the big things and that can make me feel small, shit and backward. I am 30 (nearly 31!) by now I should have…

I forget that whilst materially life might not be so big and exciting, emotionally I have crossed oceans. I have faced so many emotional challenges and gawd dammit I have conquered them all so far. Emotional challenges I have come to realise that all of us will face at some stage in our lives and that coming through them is no less of an achievement (perhaps arguably more so) than buying a house or even earning that first million.

Because I do feel wealthy now. I am rich with knowledge and experience. I mustn’t let it bother me that my wealth isn’t the kind that is desired by most. The flashy kind of wealth. The kind of wealth that garners common adulation.

THIS can be enough. This IS enough. And that’s it isn’t it? The precious secret hidden beneath the maelstrom of modern (particularly Western) life.

F woke up in the middle of the night last night, G went in, scooped him up and settled him in bed with us. Snuggled up all together, warm and quiet I thought ‘this is all that matters, this is all we need’. This is happiness.