P. A. N. I. C.
November 8th, 2010 § 5 Comments
{from here}
So.
After a full year of not having a real break, stressing over money etc. DB being away a LOT. Three trips to the emergency department and loads of nights pacing the lounge room floor willing myself to sleep to no avail, I have apparently developed what my psych tells me is anxiety disorder.
When I went to see my GP her immediate response was to offer anti-depressants. And every encounter I’ve had with a medical professional has been the same. Pills. Pills. Pills.
I refused. My reasons for refusing are complex and I don’t really feel like going into it right now. Suffice to say that I wanted to give my brain and body the opportunity to heal on it’s own first.
It’s been tough. I had to drop a lot of my commitments and really work hard to focus on myself. I realised that I had been SO tired for so long that I’d actually forgotten that I was tired. My body was exhausted. My anxiety and panic was my body’s way of telling me that enough was enough.
My first attack was two months ago, my last (bad) one was two weeks ago.
My strategy has been to drop any caffeine and alcohol. Get up no later than 7am. Run. Eat a good breakfast and keep eating small meals all day. Drink loads of water. Do Yoga. Be as organised as possible. Go to bed early and if I wake during the night stop myself from stressing put about the fact that I am awake. Constantly tell myself that I will be ok.
It seems to be working.
But man it pisses me off.
Why?
Because my brain keeps thinking there’s so much else that I could be doing with my time rather than doing all this healthy stuff.
And that my brain thinks that is kind of the problem!!!
However.
I remind myself.
It could be worse, at least I don’t have a terminal illness, or epilepsy or diabetes or some other really serious illness. I can still get though my day, I might have to do a lot of deep breathing but I am functional.
DB gets home in a week from five weeks in Europe and I am SO looking forward to “un-pausing” my life and getting on with it.
The things they don’t tell you about motherhood…
I’m so sorry, lady.
A disclaimer – I’m a psychiatrist training to be a psychotherapist. So, you can decide how much of what I’m about to say you think is relevant and helpful, or just useless medical bullshit.
I don’t know why your GP offered you antidepressants as the first line, because I don’t know *you*, and I wasn’t there in the room to see you. But it often feels like an easy thing for a doctor to do when faced with someone in pain or distress. However, the best first line treatment for someone who is still functional, is exactly the kind of stuff you’ve started doing, often in combination with some kind of brief talking therapy, to help with those thoughts that come in the middle of the night. So, huge kudos to you for taking the steps that you have.
And you *do* need to take the time to do the healthy stuff. It’s not time wasted at all! (You *do* believe that, right? And it’s your anxious brain that’s telling you otherwise? Did I read that right?) In the long run, taking the time to do all those little things like get enough sleep, eat right, exercise, and *breathe* saves enormous time by keeping you (and me, and all of us) functional in the long term, rather than running on steam for a while, then breaking down again. And I speak from personal experience here, not just textbooks…
I hope that your impressive efforts to take care of yourself get you out of this place, and keep you back in the state of mind that you want to be in for good.
agirl: I don’t know if its different elsewhere but it seems like over here they hand out antidepressants like candy.
I wasn’t/am not depressed. Just exhausted. It worries me to think where I might be now had I taken the pills given the troubles I’ve heard people having with side effects and the difficulty weaning off them.
Thanks for your very kind words. I am seeing someone and doing CBT. Mostly though I think the biggest help has been the running and yoga.
Funny how something so simple can help so much.
You’re amazing for doing it this way, an inspiration.
You’re correct in that antidepressants are handed out like candy – at least, here in the U.S. they are.
A friend of mine is going through some serious anxiety – she’s finally found a man who is incredible and they’re taking a huge step to move to New York together after about a year of dating. She’s been having panic attacks that he will die. Mostly, she’s having panic attacks because she has “somehow come to the conclusion” (her words, not mine) that because everything is going so well, something bad is going to happen, because “nobody ever gets everything they want.”
They’re getting so horrible that she’s considering taking pills. I’m not one to judge (especially since she’s always been an anxious person), but I’m not a fan of the pills, either. However: I’m not in her shoes nor am I in yours – I have absolutely NO clue what this feels like!
I’m so glad you’re taking another route before trying the pills – I would like to think that I would be strong enough to do that, but I don’t know if I could!
My thought patterns are similar.
I have such an amazingly beautiful life and family that I convinced myself that it would all be taken away from me.
And I make it worse by berating myself for having (what I feel) is such a western middle class affliction given the poverty and misery so many in the world endure.
I can honestly say though that relaxation techniques, mindfulness and breathing exercises have totally worked for me. I feel 100% better with the added benefit of feeling proud that my hard work is paying off and I don’t have to endure the ordeal of weaning myself off medication.